The Monkeys Paw ( 2014 ) Movie Review; Really bad film

I liked the concept of this film, an average Joe down on his luck comes across a ” Monkeys Paw” that grants three wishes, but wait for it, …. when you wish for things you don’t get what you asked for, I was expecting a darker version of ”Bedazzled”, instead what I actually got was a long, dull ass film, that fails to scare or interest the viewer throughout.

I am pretty gob smacked that with such an open story the writer / director failed so badly to make anything work.

1/10

KO

Re-joining a gym and the Bullshi* that goes along with it!

I remember when I felt young, I could play football for 90 minutes and then think nothing of a game of squash an hour later, I am now 33 but my body feels like it is closer to 50.

I decided to re-join my local gym, with all the budget gyms in my town I managed to pay £13 a month, there is no extras like a sauna or steam room but as I paid but never used these luxuries in the past I knew I was on to a winner!

I phoned the gym, I got passed around a couple of times before someone with a high-pitched tone accepts my call, Hi MY NAME IS AMY AND I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR GYM !

Yes I do, I am a previous customer, I would just like to sign up without all the bumf if that is possible.

YES SURE, WELL YOU WILL HAVE TO DO AN INDUCTION AND HAVE A CHAT WITH A MEMBER OF STAFF!

I have used all the machines before, I am only interested in the cardio machines, can I not just sign a waiver so if I break my leg I can’t sue you ?

NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, YOU NEED TO HAVE A CHAT AND HAVE AN INDUCTION WHICH LASTS A MIN’ OF 30 MINUTES, ITS VERY IMPORTANT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY & LEGAL REASONS!

(I book in a time slot)

When I arrive at reception, the lady looks at me like a lost dog without a home, CAN I HAVE YOUR MEMBERSHIP CARD PLEASE!

No, I am joining today, I was told to ask for Amy ?

MMMmm, SO HAVE YOU GOT A MEMBERSHIP CARD?

Nope! ….. 1st day today.

( Minutes go by before a girl named Sarah arrives at reception, her demenor is that of girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend)

HELLO, YOU’RE HERE FOR YOUR INDUCTION ?

(We arrive at her desk shortly afterwards and in a high pitch she says…)

SO WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS ?

I have done all this before… I just want to focus on running and using the treadmill…

RIGHT, RIGHT,RIGHT…..

WELL WE HAVE A  SPECIAL OFFER AT THE MOMENT, PAY FOR 5 PERSONAL FITNESS LESSONS AND GET 1 FOR FREE.

No thanks, I just want to do my own thing.

(She is now looking at me like I am have just informed her that she is in fact adopted)

OK, WELL I WILL TAKE YOU ROUND TO SEE MATT WHO WILL BE RUNNING THE INDUCTION FOR YOU TODAY.

( I am introduced to Matt who looks like he has just woken up, hair covering his eyes when he is not flicking it back with his own head movements)

 

ALRRIGHT MATE, HAVE YOU USED A GYM BEFORE ?

Yes I have used this one, and several others.

ALRRRIGHT MATE, COOL, LETS START ON THIS MACHINE AND CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOULD START IT.

(I show him how to start three machines, 2 minutes have past and he says…

THAT’S FIIIINE MATE, YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN THING NOW! YOU HAVE PASSED !

( I get stuck straight into to the crosstrainer, I am feeling good as I motion pumping my fists forward while treading mud, there are a few fat ladies working out around me, I don’t really think anything, my mind is vacant, about twenty minutes into my standing workout an attractive blond-haired woman gets onto the machine next to me, as a married man I don’t play away from home but I cannot deny that I attracted to this woman, in over thinking the situation I find that I am pounding the crosstrainer harder than I was before she arrived in the gym, while doing this I am looking everywhere except in her direction, I don’t know why I feel the urge to do this, I guess the opposite reaction of me looking at her once in a while might me confused with me perving on her, so out of paranoia I decide to play it safe and play the role of Stevie Wonder on a crosstrainer.

I am married but I don’t wear a ring, not for the reasons you may think, I hate jewellery of any kind on my skin, always have, but as I am sat there in the gym I notice some girls checking out a guy and making it so obvious that all the guy would have to say to pull her would be to smile and say hello,(The guy in question does not notice any of his admires, or pretends not to notice them )  at this point I have an urge to be wearing a wedding ring, I want to wear it as a beacon of comfort to all the single ladies in there who now don’t see me as a threat , I hate it when you are just being friendly but this is confused for making a play….

45 minutes in and I head to the water area, while guzzling a few cone-shaped cups, I gaze at the fitness classes on the wall, a plane woman in her 40’s is a yard away from me, I casually ask about one of the groups, ( what type of exercise do they do in that class ?)  the woman looks at me like I have just asked if she fancied a quickie in the toilet, she looks uncomfortable and replies with, Errr.. I don’t know, but as she walks away she smiles to herself as if to say, ( Yeah, nice try fella!)  I can’t tell you how annoyed this makes me, Oh well I will have to take it out on the treadmill.

1st day of Gym

30 MINUTES  ON CROSSTRAINER

15 MINUTES ON TREADMILL

15 MINUTES ON THE BIKE

TARGET FOR NEXT WEEK – 30 MINUTES ON TREADMILL

KO

The Saratov Approach (2014) Movie Review; A True story about two men and their faith. 7/10

Based on a true story about two American missionaries who decided to set up camp in Russia and teach the locals the word of God.

For the first part of this film I was left wondering how much dribble I would have to listen to about God and what he expects from us, I am an atheist and at no point did I feel like converting to believing in the special man in the sky.

The film takes a turn for the better when these two men are kidnapped, the interest levels increase when the two men have a battle on their hands which revolves around their own faith, the mormon group don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke and don’t do a lot apart from living a good life and helping their fellow-man, may be harsh but that is how they are depicted in this movie.

The real climax arrives in the film when the two men question their own faith and question if they can survive without breaking their own rules.

I enjoyed the movie, the actors draw you into the story and if you have faith or not in your life there is still enough going on to keep you entertained.

7/10

KO

Bad Words ( 2014) Movie Review; Bateman plays a cock with conviction! 8/10

I really enjoyed this, had no expectations, did not know Jason Bateman was in it, or that he was directing the film, please continue with this kind of work in the future Jason!

Bateman plays the role of his career, he seems like the number one go to guy when it comes to safe family comedies, this is not a safe family comedy, Jason plays a complete cock with grinning charm, there are few actors who have pulled it off, or should I say get the right dialogue and attitude on the same page, Billy Bob Thornton was a great cock in Bad Santa, but there is something special about the way Bateman delivers this role, he has complete conviction over his cock character, you don’t doubt  him for  a second which resulted in my case anyway, a lot of laugh out loud moments from the off which continued throughout.

Kathryn Hahn deserves a mention, with her lovable face which turns crazy without notice, she really compliments Batemans performance and they bring the best out of each other.

The story is layered very well, you have a kind of love interest, a kind of friendship, a competition and a family issue.

One of the most funny and entertaining films I have seen in a long time, I tip my cap to you Jason Bateman, you are a very funny man.

8/10

KO

Under the Skin (2014) Movie review; Strange, Strange & Strange!

I find Scarlett Johansson very attractive, when I read that she was wandering around Scotland flirting and killing men in this film my intrigue rose to a decent level.

All I can say is, strange, strange & very strange, part of me wants to slam the film, but I can’t, even though it is very weird I could not stop watching, before you get excited there is no real sex scenes in the film, and fans of the horror genre will be better giving this one a miss, I don’t know where this film will attract its viewers from, it must have been the hardest film to market, maybe that’s they decided not to do any marketing!

Mmmmm…. I don’t recommend the film but I will say if you are bored with the general mass-produced movies of today maybe you will enjoy this odd ball movie.

5/10

KO

Facts about the film -

The men lured into the van by Scarlett Johansson‘s character were not actors. Jonathan Glazer had hidden cameras installed in the van and only informed the men afterwards that they were in a movie.

Brick Mansions (2014) Movie review; Paul Walker back from the dead in good remake of District B13

I thought I had already seen the last of Paul Walkers film work, so this turned out to be a nice surprise and the good news is, the film is pretty good.

Paul plays an undercover cop, (AGAIN), but this time he has Parkour star David Belle to share the screen and bring his muscles to fight off Paul’s Walkers charm and brains.

I have seen the original to this film which was named District B13 (French film), David Belle stars in the original and the remake which must be a first ?

Both films are great, but for those of you who hate Subtitles the Paul Walker version will probably go down better.

The story is interesting and the characters are believable and shocking at times, the pace of the film feels just right and director and writer never let you get bored.

Good film.

7/10

KO

Harry Redknapp and his Spurs players who did not want to play for England !

This surely cannot be hard to work out, from my memory alone you have David Bentley ( Strong possibility)  Arron Lennon ( Very strong seeing he has not been picked or mentioned for England for over a year)  I doubt Jermaine Defoe would be on Harry’s list, Ledley King ( I can see him trying to get out of friendly games because of his knee)  Jermaine Jenus had a few showings for England, can’t imagine he would be looking for excuses not to join up again.

So I would guess and say Harry is talking about David Bentley who threw his football career away, and Arron Lennon who never pushed on from his early promise, England are better off without them.

KO