Re-joining a gym and the Bullshi* that goes along with it!

I remember when I felt young, I could play football for 90 minutes and then think nothing of a game of squash an hour later, I am now 33 but my body feels like it is closer to 50.

I decided to re-join my local gym, with all the budget gyms in my town I managed to pay £13 a month, there is no extras like a sauna or steam room but as I paid but never used these luxuries in the past I knew I was on to a winner!

I phoned the gym, I got passed around a couple of times before someone with a high-pitched tone accepts my call, Hi MY NAME IS AMY AND I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR GYM !

Yes I do, I am a previous customer, I would just like to sign up without all the bumf if that is possible.

YES SURE, WELL YOU WILL HAVE TO DO AN INDUCTION AND HAVE A CHAT WITH A MEMBER OF STAFF!

I have used all the machines before, I am only interested in the cardio machines, can I not just sign a waiver so if I break my leg I can’t sue you ?

NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, YOU NEED TO HAVE A CHAT AND HAVE AN INDUCTION WHICH LASTS A MIN’ OF 30 MINUTES, ITS VERY IMPORTANT FOR HEALTH AND SAFETY & LEGAL REASONS!

(I book in a time slot)

When I arrive at reception, the lady looks at me like a lost dog without a home, CAN I HAVE YOUR MEMBERSHIP CARD PLEASE!

No, I am joining today, I was told to ask for Amy ?

MMMmm, SO HAVE YOU GOT A MEMBERSHIP CARD?

Nope! ….. 1st day today.

( Minutes go by before a girl named Sarah arrives at reception, her demenor is that of girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend)

HELLO, YOU’RE HERE FOR YOUR INDUCTION ?

(We arrive at her desk shortly afterwards and in a high pitch she says…)

SO WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS ?

I have done all this before… I just want to focus on running and using the treadmill…

RIGHT, RIGHT,RIGHT…..

WELL WE HAVE A  SPECIAL OFFER AT THE MOMENT, PAY FOR 5 PERSONAL FITNESS LESSONS AND GET 1 FOR FREE.

No thanks, I just want to do my own thing.

(She is now looking at me like I am have just informed her that she is in fact adopted)

OK, WELL I WILL TAKE YOU ROUND TO SEE MATT WHO WILL BE RUNNING THE INDUCTION FOR YOU TODAY.

( I am introduced to Matt who looks like he has just woken up, hair covering his eyes when he is not flicking it back with his own head movements)

 

ALRRIGHT MATE, HAVE YOU USED A GYM BEFORE ?

Yes I have used this one, and several others.

ALRRRIGHT MATE, COOL, LETS START ON THIS MACHINE AND CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW YOU SHOULD START IT.

(I show him how to start three machines, 2 minutes have past and he says…

THAT’S FIIIINE MATE, YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN THING NOW! YOU HAVE PASSED !

( I get stuck straight into to the crosstrainer, I am feeling good as I motion pumping my fists forward while treading mud, there are a few fat ladies working out around me, I don’t really think anything, my mind is vacant, about twenty minutes into my standing workout an attractive blond-haired woman gets onto the machine next to me, as a married man I don’t play away from home but I cannot deny that I attracted to this woman, in over thinking the situation I find that I am pounding the crosstrainer harder than I was before she arrived in the gym, while doing this I am looking everywhere except in her direction, I don’t know why I feel the urge to do this, I guess the opposite reaction of me looking at her once in a while might me confused with me perving on her, so out of paranoia I decide to play it safe and play the role of Stevie Wonder on a crosstrainer.

I am married but I don’t wear a ring, not for the reasons you may think, I hate jewellery of any kind on my skin, always have, but as I am sat there in the gym I notice some girls checking out a guy and making it so obvious that all the guy would have to say to pull her would be to smile and say hello,(The guy in question does not notice any of his admires, or pretends not to notice them )  at this point I have an urge to be wearing a wedding ring, I want to wear it as a beacon of comfort to all the single ladies in there who now don’t see me as a threat , I hate it when you are just being friendly but this is confused for making a play….

45 minutes in and I head to the water area, while guzzling a few cone-shaped cups, I gaze at the fitness classes on the wall, a plane woman in her 40’s is a yard away from me, I casually ask about one of the groups, ( what type of exercise do they do in that class ?)  the woman looks at me like I have just asked if she fancied a quickie in the toilet, she looks uncomfortable and replies with, Errr.. I don’t know, but as she walks away she smiles to herself as if to say, ( Yeah, nice try fella!)  I can’t tell you how annoyed this makes me, Oh well I will have to take it out on the treadmill.

1st day of Gym

30 MINUTES  ON CROSSTRAINER

15 MINUTES ON TREADMILL

15 MINUTES ON THE BIKE

TARGET FOR NEXT WEEK – 30 MINUTES ON TREADMILL

KO

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4 thoughts on “Re-joining a gym and the Bullshi* that goes along with it!”

  1. I know the feeling, and I have experienced everything you have said. I thought was just me and my awkwardness. Gyms are more of a social arena now with a bit of working out. My wife and I just cancelled a gym membership because we moved and now we are looking for a new one, and the sign up process is just as intense everywhere we go.

  2. Glad I am not alone, I do get humour out of these events, but agree about it being a type of night / day club more than fitness centre, I just got back from the gym where two young girls spent 45 minutes on the shaking plate machine, I am not sure the machine was designed for that kind of workout 🙂

  3. It is all about money, as usual. The induction for insurance purposes no doubt. Of course they will always try to sell you something additional. There is probably a big turnover in marginally trained and paid staff. You might do better by purchasing a few weights for home and taking regular brisk walks for cardio, or pick up an elliptical trainer if you have the space.

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